Most people write blogs hoping to amass a following. I, however, am actually glad i do not have followers. Why? Simple- freedom. I can write about ANYthing and not worry about people actually reading it and making comments. I don't have to worry about making anyone i know worried when i write from the heart. i can spill my guts, so to speak, and feel the satisfaction of getting those thoughts out of me and into the universe. It is rather cathartic to write, but i am horrible about keeping a journal. Writing a blog and using it for such a purpose i can actually see myself doing because on the off chance someone does read it and it helps them will always be in the back of my mind. But even if nobody reads this, i am still getting things out of me and into the universe. i can say that i am sick way too often; that i am often tired of living though still alive; that i wish i could help more people; that i feel like a failure in life; that i get upset with myself because i know i shouldn't feel like a failure because we are all here for a reason and those reasons my not be so obvious.. i may be here just to show others what NOT to do with their lives, and inso doing, put them on the right track.. i have abused this poor body of mine for well over half my life and am now really starting to pay the price. i am currently in law school- 2 years left (or there abouts).. and honestly, i don't plan to live beyond that. How can i? i am sick all the time. how will i be able to support myself with out all my school loans? i dont think i would survive terribly long on the street either. It does make me sad to think that i won't see my niece and nephews grow up, but at least i will see them grow for a couple of years.. i love them dearly, but i screwed up long before they were born. i don't have many friends so i dont have to worry about leaving many people behind and hurt. No, my existence is mostly solitary.. i flitter in and out of people's lives.. for the best i think. Perhaps my next life will be one of more health and vitality. i was a healthy child, but i screwed up. Nothing i can do about that now.. i just keep living and hoping that my end isn't too painful..
that's all for now..
No comments:
Post a Comment