A bitch fest

I wish that i could say that all the teachings i have read, the people that have helped me, and just appreciating life was enough to get me through what i am going through, but it isn't. the sad thing is that it should be. intellectually i know that things could be worse, so much worse. i look across the world at what is going on in japan and think about how horrible that is, yet i would almost prefer to be there instead of here. devastation on such a massive level tends to bring people together, which aside from the mass destruction, is a wonderful thing. going through life alone has its good and its bad points. it is even worse when you don't exactly choose to do so, but that is they way your life has been cast. could be from lousy relationship choices, poor social skills, mental issues, whatever.. but people are social creatures and feel the need to be around others.
using myself as an example (since i am the only person i am an expert on) i can see how it affects me to be around groups of people where i am clearly not invited. i feel sad, rejected, and of course, alone. i wonder what i am doing wrong and how to fix the situation. i try to talk but i feel like someone from jupiter who has decided to drop in for the day (at least that is how they make me feel). so i am sad.. and these days it goes beyond sad. it has gotten to a point where i don't particularly care much beyond today, and even today doesnt have all that much importance. i am just getting by, drifting through a life i should be enjoying. but i am not. so i do things to numb the pain, which only helps so much. since i obviously do not get along with people, i long for the day i can get a dog.. this will require finances and a home of my own, but at least it is a future goal. i do not have many future goals. right now the only other one is to make it through school, and even with that one, its more just like making it through each semester with decent grades. losing a few pounds is also on the list, but the list has become more of just something to beat myself up over. i really dont expect to live terribly long. i am surprised to have made it this long. but that is just the way i feel. i dont want to feel like this because there are little ones who look up to me, or who at least enjoy having me around....
this life thing is hard and it really shouldnt be.