A bitch fest

I wish that i could say that all the teachings i have read, the people that have helped me, and just appreciating life was enough to get me through what i am going through, but it isn't. the sad thing is that it should be. intellectually i know that things could be worse, so much worse. i look across the world at what is going on in japan and think about how horrible that is, yet i would almost prefer to be there instead of here. devastation on such a massive level tends to bring people together, which aside from the mass destruction, is a wonderful thing. going through life alone has its good and its bad points. it is even worse when you don't exactly choose to do so, but that is they way your life has been cast. could be from lousy relationship choices, poor social skills, mental issues, whatever.. but people are social creatures and feel the need to be around others.
using myself as an example (since i am the only person i am an expert on) i can see how it affects me to be around groups of people where i am clearly not invited. i feel sad, rejected, and of course, alone. i wonder what i am doing wrong and how to fix the situation. i try to talk but i feel like someone from jupiter who has decided to drop in for the day (at least that is how they make me feel). so i am sad.. and these days it goes beyond sad. it has gotten to a point where i don't particularly care much beyond today, and even today doesnt have all that much importance. i am just getting by, drifting through a life i should be enjoying. but i am not. so i do things to numb the pain, which only helps so much. since i obviously do not get along with people, i long for the day i can get a dog.. this will require finances and a home of my own, but at least it is a future goal. i do not have many future goals. right now the only other one is to make it through school, and even with that one, its more just like making it through each semester with decent grades. losing a few pounds is also on the list, but the list has become more of just something to beat myself up over. i really dont expect to live terribly long. i am surprised to have made it this long. but that is just the way i feel. i dont want to feel like this because there are little ones who look up to me, or who at least enjoy having me around....
this life thing is hard and it really shouldnt be.

I should know better

I have a degree in nutrition so I should know better. I have put on weight like many people do. I exercise and eat healthy but I admit I have not been eating as clean as i used to. it is time to change. no more excuses. i am also seriously considering going back to being vegan. i dont like the idea of eating animal flesh or supporting the caging of animals. granted, i eat organic and small farmed stuff, but i still dont like the idea of it all. i was vegan for 14 years and miss being able to say that is part of who i am.
i dont like the way i look right now. it is time to stop complaining about it and to start doing something about it. i hope to start writing a weekly blog to chronicle how i am doing.. the good and the bad, but hopefully more good..
i am also feeling quite stressed about school. i am so envious of these people who are so smart and understand everything. i have 2 papers to write and its just not going well.. i often wonder what the hell i am doing and if i am cut out for this.. or anything really..
some days i am just so damn tired of living.. i can't seem to get things to go right.. and just when they seem to be going well, i do something dumb and down i fall.. damn it all to hell...